Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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