I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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