dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize
