shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
