I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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