I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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