just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Randomize
