FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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