People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
