my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize