I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
