I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
These tits shall not be calmed
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
