Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
