ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
