when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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