1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
