I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I don't want my vagina anymore.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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