Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Soap is not a condiment
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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