I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
