i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
