i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
