i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
My liver is preforming stress tests.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
