Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
