I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I would fuck him just for his dog
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
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