Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
