i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
You were trust falling into bushes
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
