i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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