So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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