i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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