party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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