dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Randomize
