So I think I might still secretly love him despite the ass licking...
Hey ass licking is a very nice and intimate thing! Don't discredit your feelings
But what if he licks everyones ass?
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
