i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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