Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize