I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
