I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
