My liver just broke up with me...
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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