Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Randomize
