U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
