i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
