i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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