ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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