forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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