:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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