Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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