Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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