please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
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