I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
