Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
