If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
