i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
