wrigley field is MILF paradise
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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