if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
