I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
