After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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