I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
