It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
