this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
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