Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize