The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
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