i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I don't deserve a penis
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
