my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
