Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
