ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
