I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
