AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I just forgot I was standing up.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Randomize
